Behind the scenes with Resident Evil
by EeveeHearts
Summary: An insight to the real characters when they are off-screen. A pancake replacing Wesker? Sheva's voces changes? Outrageous. No spoilers until chap 4. Parody fic, so expect OOCness.
1. The start of something retarded

_I've had this idea for a while, so I've decided to write it and see how it goes. Any feed back will be helpful. I haven't played Resident Evil 5 yet, as it is not released until March over here, so most of this will be guesswork and what I have seen in trailers. Also, sorry if I got the directors name wrong. _

_**Resident Evil and their characters © Capcom**__._

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"Cut!" screamed Kenichi Ueda for the 67th time that day. He removed the directors visor, wiped his forehead and replaced it. "Okay, let's try that again, and try not to cock it up. Wesker, put Chris down now and go back where you started. I don't want to stop you again."

Convulsing suddenly, he sat back in his chair and hoped. Sixty eight was his unlucky number and by Hell, he didn't want to reach the 68th outtake today.

Grumbling, Wesker strode back to his beginning pose as Chris massaged his neck and back, the result of being slammed across a table beginning to take it's toll.

"…And without the attitude," said Kenichi, raising his eyebrow at Wesker who pulled a face and repeated the director's line but in a snivelling a girly voice. Choosing to ignore that, rather than challenge Wesker and his magnum (which he usually had to take the ammo out of, as Wesker continually misbehaved during rehearsals) he cleared his throat and began the scene again. Chris took his place on the floor and pretended to look injured, but all he really wanted was a burger. Wesker strode over before Chris could find his burger and easily lifted him into the air by the neck.

"…Do you actually think you can defeat me?" he snarled, slamming him down on the table and dragging him across forcefully, breaking the wood as he did so. Kenichi died a bit inside of happiness when he saw that; that's exactly how he wanted it! Not the odd splinter Chris received, making him scream like a girl and roll on the floor, begging for a plaster or his "arms gonna fall off, it really is!"

A loud thud shook the studio as Chris was thrown to the floor and Wesker towered over him, his gun pointing at Chris's temple.

"…And cut!" said Kenichi, jumping out his seat and clapping his hands together. "Great work men. We'll work on the next scene in a few minutes."

Chris pushed himself to his feet and readjusted his hair as a swarm of crew girls flooded round Wesker and offered to help him with anything. He waved them off as Chris's feeble attempts at asking for a Big Mac went unheard. Kenichi pushed his way to the front and clapped his hand on Wesker's broad shoulder, as if to say, 'I'm going to attempt to reason with you now, pal. Without the use of a blow job to persuade you, because I don't swing that way. I don't have to go to the other paddock to ride the horses, you know.'

Or maybe not in that many words.

"Albert…"

"Call me Wesker," said the blond (NATURAL BLOND! Shut up, Chris!) his shades twinkling like a uber-important Hollywood star.

"Okay, Albert. You see, could you possibly lower your voice slightly? Julie in the sound department didn't melt this time like usual from the sound of your voice, so could you think about fixing that? We need to please the voicewhores, after all."

Wesker revealed an eyebrow from behind his ever-present-unless-they-used-them-as-a-ploy-to-get-people-to-buy-the-game-because-they-got-knocked-off-and-the-fans-gasped-and-wanted-to-know-what-happens shades.

"If I do that, my voice will break the awesome-o-meter, won't it?" he said receiving a frantic nod from Kenichi who was afraid of having a 'cap in his ass' as Chris so fondly put it, if he disagreed. "And whilst we're on the subject, WHY DOES MY VOICE KEEP CHANGING?"

"We'll tell the fans you're experiencing puberty?" reasoned the director causing Wesker to face palm so hard he gave himself a black eye. "Anyway, I think it's great that you can sound like Peter Jessop, Richard Waugh D.C Douglas and Ken Lally from Heroes! How many people can say that? With that voice talent, you could easily start your own abridged version of the game and provide all the voices…"

"I suggest you stop talking before I strap skittles to your face and throw you into a house with a hungry lion," said Wesker, causing Kenichi to weep a little. "What are we filming next? I've got an interview with Hello! Magazine in a few hours."

"Next scene is…" Kenichi checked the clipboard with the scene lists on. "Wesker is replaced by a crispy pancake, because they could do a better job than him, anyway. Wait. Oh, very funny, Chris! You'd like that, at least you wouldn't get your arse kicked by a crispy pancake."

Chris hissed, before he could speak, Wesker stomped his foot like a child who had been refused a Barbie.

"This sucks, you all suck, you all suck harder than a Hoover with a hooker attached to the end. I'm off to dye my hair!"

And off he stomped, like a child when Hannah Montana had been cancelled due to something actually worth-watching being on the TV.

Kenichi relaxed and turned to Chris, relieved that Wesker was in a separate room.

"Being around Wesker is like being around a conceited bull with a bomb strapped to him," he said with a shake of his head. Before Chris could snort and agree, he added, "…And being around you is like accompanying a fairy on steroids to the moon."

"Aww, thanks! You're awesome, Kenichi!"

The director asked himself why he hired an idiot and face palmed so hard, he too, received a black eye just like Wesker.

Maybe they could start a club consisting of people with black eyes.

Hmm. Maybe Chris does have a use after all…

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It's been a while since I've written a comedy fic, which is probably why this wasn't terribly funny or long. I'm unsure whether to continue this, so feedback would help (:


	2. Fun with Nemmy and emo poetry

_Thank you to everyone who read the last chapter and to **AdaWongTN** for reviewing :D_

_Still don't own anything. Enjoy._

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"I'm walking on sunshine. Oh-ho, I'm walking on sunshine, and don't it feel good. Huh!"

This, accompanied by the noise of rushing water could be heard from Albert's room. Chris wiped his nose and looked up from his burger towards the door labelled 'Wesker's Dressing room. Only enter if you're God."

_Shall I chance it? _thought Chris, fearing what might be on the other side. The possibility of a naked Wesker… Eurgh… But he was curious to what an old man looked like… In the least perverse way possible, mind.

"What is the matter?" asked Sheva, in her bold African accent as she sat next to him with a salad.

"Watch my burger," he told Sheva, placing it down and jumping up.

"Sir, yes sir!" she said in a strong American accent.

"Did your voice just…? Never mind…" shrugged Chris heading over to the door with his gun ready. He turned the knob (restraining himself from laughing at the thought) and pushed the door open. Fortunately, or rather unfortunately, he couldn't decide yet, Wesker was merely topless with his head in the sink. Hearing someone enter, he jumped up and glared at Chris before screaming like a teenage girl who'd seen a huge spider and grabbing a towel to cover his modesty.

"Get out, get out!" he yelled, finding something to throw at the bloke in the door way. "Can't you see I'm dying my hair?"

"Why?" asked Chris as a rubber duck flew past his ear and hit Sheva with a squeak.

"Ey, you nearly 'ad me bloomin' 'ead off!" she yelled in the style of a Londoner.

"Are you dying your bits of grey?" asked Chris, choosing to ignore Sheva.

"All his grey!" shouted Kenichi from the directors chair, dodging a bar of soap from Wesker's direction. "Hurry up now, we need to shoot a scene with you and Excella."

Wesker grumbled something about "desperate whore" or it could have been "separate door."

Who knows?

Excella swaggered from her dressing room and took her place whilst Albert was reluctantly pushed forwards by Kenichi and stood next to her. She winked and he threw up a little bit in his mouth.

"Three… Two… One… action!"

Excella made her way towards Wesker and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You'll be needing a partner, right?" she purred, looking into his face. He grimaced and thought to himself, _I'm in my happy place, I'm in my happy place, I do not have a random slut touching me. I'm in my happy place…_ "Someone suitable to join you-?"

"Aghh!" he yelled pushing her away as she swept a hand across his chest. "Get off the jacket, it's Gucci!!"

"I cannot work with this beast!" said Excella staggering backwards and throwing out her arms like a child in a massive sulk. "Not you, Nemesis! The beast in front of me!"

Nemmy sat in the directors chair looking sad. No one loved the poor guy. For just £2 a month, you can make sure that he has a loving home and a taco everyday.

"Rather a beast than a slut!" he yelled, causing her to gasp and look offended

"Oh, no you didn't!" she cried slapping him and looking like a dog paddling. He copied her, all hands flailing as they had a bitch slap fight, but not causing much damage.

"Ooh, Chris joins, Chris joins!" said Chris throwing himself into the middle whilst Sheva stood round the edges talking in an Irish accent.

"Chris, can't you see I'm busy respecting women by beating them up?" Wesker yelled, grabbing him by the collar and throwing him away. He turned to Excella and went to slap her silly but his hand missed accidently on purpose and pulled down her top.

"Oooh…" he said, eyes as wide as dinner plates at the bare flesh brandished before him. "Booooobeeee's…"

"You pervert!" she shrieked, slapping him. "You're like 50!"

"48 and four months, _actually!"_ He said, holding up four fingers just in case Excella didn't quite get it. "At least my name doesn't sound like a battery!"

"Well, at least _I_ don't look like Jonny Bravo," she retorted, folding her arms.

"That's where your wrong!" he said, holding up a picture of Jonny Bravo that he constantly carried around with him. He had scribbled all over it to make it look like Excella.

"Oh, you wicked wrench! Why I outta…"

Kenichi sighed and turned to Chris in despair who was sat on Nemmy's lap and rubbing his neck.

"Let's work on the extra's for the game, okay?" he said. Chris nodded.

"STARS!" said Nemmy, pointing to Kenichi's nose.

"That's right Nemesis. Nose."

"STARS?" he asked, pulling out some chocolate stars and offering them.

"No thanks, I've just eaten. Anyway. Let's begin filming Barry. Are you ready?"

Barry gave the thumbs up and took his place in the kitchen. Kenichi nodded and Bob the cameraman turned on Barry.

"Hey and welcome to 'Cooking with Barry' . Today, we'll be cooking… Jill sandwich? Oooh, mmm… I mean…Jill in a sandwich. Mmm. Anyway. Press X on your joy pads, now! Now press R1 + R2. Ah, too slow. Sorry! Back to you, Kenichi."

Kenichi stood with his mouth open, catching flies.

"Mmm, flies…" he said. "I mean… that's the mini-game? Why the hell are they paying you people?"

Barry waved and took a bite of his Jill sandwich, which looked strangely like a tuna sandwich but apparently, was not, and whatever Barry says is law.

The attention was turned back on Wesker and Excella who had finally finished fighting and were ready to shoot the scene again.

"Don't worry, Albert," said Kenichi, noticing the blond on the floor. "A little make-up can cover that black eye, and some frozen peas will stop the swelling."

They began to attempt the previous failed scene, but Wesker was adamant that the player could only see the corner of his face and mouth when Excella was hitting on him, so no one knew he got pwned by a girl.

"This is why I hate blondes…" sighed Kenichi as he edited out his cuts and blemishes whilst Wesker stood by his side blabbering on about something involving how a new pair of shades cost him forty billion pounds.

"Okay, Wesker shut up, I don't give a shit," he said glancing down at his clipboard. "Look, we need to work on the scene where you have your gun to Chris's head… Don't look at me like that, you know which gun I'm talking about. Chris, stop getting your hopes up and put down that burger for a minute, will you? Come on, places people!"

Wesker took his stance near the window and examined the outside world, whilst Chris stood outside the door and gave the thumbs up to Sheva.

"Three…two… one… Action!"

Chris kicked the door open and strode up to Wesker who knew of his presence but didn't turn to face him.

"Chris, you make me proud," he said. "Of course, you are one of my men…"

"NO!" screamed Kenichi throwing a spanner at Wesker's head which he dodged with his Matrix-style moves. "You know the line, Wesker! Lets try that again!"

So they did.

"I see you came Chris," said Wesker slowly turning to face his nemesis, but not Nemesis because he was busy chatting up the camera lady.

"Stars?" said Nemmy with a wink.

"Yes, I do enjoy the work of Charles Dickens," she said dreamily. "What is your favourite book of his?"

"Stars," said Nemmy. She giggled and blushed.

"I love 'Great Expectations' too. I love the portrayal of Miss Havisham, don't you agree?"

"Stars," nodded Nemmy.

Back to the filming, some shit had happened between Chris and Wesker and now Chris was kneeling down, or maybe he was a midget and we never knew and Wesker had his gun to Chris's head or something. Nemmy just wants to get laid, man!

"You'll be sleeping under the S.T.A.R.S tonight, Chris," hissed Wesker. There was a loud bang and he sprang back in surprise. A banner fell down behind him that read, 'CONGRATULATIONS!!'

"Congratulations!" said a loud booming voice from nowhere. "It's the worst pun of the game!"

Streamers and party poppers exploded in many different directions as balloons fell from the ceiling along with some confetti.

"Thanks," said Wesker, shaking everyone's hand. "I do my best…"

Chris sniffed and crossed his legs in a massive sulk. _That Wesker gets everyone's respect, no fair!! I'm gonna report him to Neo and he's gonna get beat up for stealing his moves! Kekekeke!_

He watched as everyone bummed Wesker, silently plotting as his enemy spoke.

"Yes, I aspire to be like my father," he said, waving a hand smugly.

"Who, God?" asked Bob.

"No, you idiot. I am God. I am talking about Arnold Wesker, the famous British poet."

"I…See…" said Kenichi, his eye twitching as Wesker pulled out a piece of paper and read out loud.

"What is a man? A mere person, but not me. I am God, and God I shall be."

"Villain poetry class is on Tuesday at 4pm in the local church," said Kenichi with a raised eyebrow.

"I know. I attend. Alfred Ashford also attends. You should hear the poetry he writes about his sister… Dirty, inbreeding Brits."

"Now now," said Kenichi, hoping that he wouldn't have to listen to Wesker rant on about people inferior to him.

"…You should hear Sephiroth's emo poetry too!"

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_Sorry it got a bit lame towards the end._

_Anyway, in case you didn't realise, I don't like Excella, haha and am I the only one who thinks that Sheva's voice is different in every trailer? :D_


	3. Wesker's weakness

_Thanks to everyone who read the last chapter and to __**Cupcakebooz**__, __**AdaWongTN**__ and __**RedHell **__for reviewing. :D_

_Resident Evil © Capcom. Enjoy._

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A lone KFC bucket, filled to the brim with various chicken pieces sat on a chair, minding it's own business, with a swinging lamp altering it's shadow as eerie music played in the background.

Faint footsteps were heard, growing louder with every second as the music rose hysterically.

Chris Redfield slowly pushed the door open, gun ready to shoot any monster that may be lurking, ready to pounce.

The sight made his heart stop.

A KFC bucket, unattended.

It was all his! Yay!

He holstered his gun and pulled out a trusty spork as he ran towards the fattening treat when another, unwanted presence stopped him in his tracks.

"My chicken! I've been looking for this everywhere!"

An pale hand reached out from the darkness and snatched the bucket away. The pale hand belonging to the ashen Albert Wesker as he had forgot to apply the fake tan this morning. (His hair takes too long to keep flat, he had to resort to cellotape.)

"Hey!" said Chris as the slightly larger than the last game Wesker began devouring the chicken.

"Om nom nom," said Wesker.

"No, I won't shut up!" raged Chris, shaking his fist. "Kenichi! Wesker's picking on me again!"

"Chris," sighed the director, twirling his hat on his finger lazily. "No body likes a tell-tale."

"Why won't anybody tell him off?" he cried, outraged. Sheva emerged from her dressing room and waggled her finger at Wesker.

"Now den. You be nice ta Chris, yeah. Or you get no pay, yeah," she said.

"You what?" said Wesker. "I'll teach you a lesson, young lady. Just give me a sec."

He placed the bucket of chicken down on the chair, licked his fingers then released he had gloves on so he removed them, stuffed them in his pocket and pulled out a new pair.

"Just wait," he glared at Sheva whilst pulling them on. "You just wait till I've put these gloves on. Because when I do, you'll- Aw, crap. They're the wrong size. Give me a minute, there's some more in my dressing room."

Sheva glanced at her watch as he left and looked towards Chris who shrugged. Kenichi sauntered over with a script and handed it to Chris reminding him of the next scene. Upon receiving it, he immediately got a paper cut.

"Ow," he said, trying to be brave.

"Are you okay?" asked Sheva, spraying him with a first aid spray.

"…Did you just waste a first aid spray on a paper cut?"

"Paper cuts are nasty, sir."

Chris shook his head and studied the script again, a confused expression set on his face.

"Who's Rich… Ri… Richar… Richardo Ir…Irving?"

"Remember Alfred Ashford?"

"Yeah…"

"Did you think he was irritating?"

"Fuck yeah. Why?"

"No reason…"

An unfamiliar figure appeared in the studio, clapping his hands like a seal with a fish and walking towards Chris, speaking in a high, erratic voice.

"Splendid timing! You's two are just in time for the fireworks show! KABOOM! Hahahaha, lol."

"…What?" asked Chris as the stranger approached him, raising an eyebrow.

"Good day, good sir," he said in a completely different voice to the one he was speaking in. "Pleasant day, do you not agree? I am merely rehearsing my lines for a good old show we shall be putting on later. Won't it be simply fabulous?"

"Wha-"

"Oh, how rude! I forgot to introduce myself. Richardo Sebastian Edward George Francis Nathaniel Eric Dave Irving at your service, but most people call me Irving. And what may you be called?"

"I'm Chri-"

"Oh, splendid! And you, young lady?" he said, turning on Sheva who shrank back from the weirdo vibes.

"Shev-" she began, before being interrupted by Irving suddenly grabbing her face and pinching her cheeks like a Gran at a Christmas party who had one to many sherries, he also smelled like one too.

She wriggled away as Wesker returned with his hands all ready for action.

"Buy one get one free from Primark," he told Chris who nodded.

"Can I have the other pair?"

"Hell no. Where were we? Who's this tool?"

He pointed at Irving who squealed like a pig trying to escape the clutches of a farmer and rushed out the room, fanning himself.

"Idiot. Anyway, was I about to kick your arse? Chris, I think you were right, I have gone senile… is it time for Thursday?"

Kenichi headed over to them with a scowl which was never a good sign, especially for his crows feet.

"Nemmy says you've been arguing," he said. Chris huffed.

"He's such a grass! He's there picking flowers and skipping through fields, but that's all a front!"

"Come on," said Kenichi. "We didn't have this trouble with Leon."

"That's because Leon is thick," he growled, pulling out a DVD which he carried around with him like when Hayner in Kingdom Hearts pulled a massive fucking trophy from his pocket. "Look, I found some rehearsal footage, I'll show you…"

The screen flickered slightly as the camera was adjusted, then showed a woman in a red (Pink, pink FUCKING PINK!!) dress approach a man.

"Put your hands where I can see them," she said, pushing a gun into the small of his back. Leon paused for a moment, then raised his arms and flapped them like a seagull in high winds attempting to fly. Ada groaned and Leon swivelled to face her, confused.

"Remember me?" she asked, cocking her head and pouting. He looked her up and down, then shook his head.

"You don't remember?" she asked, her mouth hanging open with shock. "But Racoon city…"

"Claire?! Christ, you've changed! You weren't Chinese last time I saw you!"

"I'm not Claire, idiot!" she huffed, balling her fists. Leon stroked his smooth chin and narrowed his eyes, examining her.

"Are you the black police officer who dies?"

"No!" she raged, pulling her shades off furiously and throwing them in his face.

"Ada!" he said, when he saw her without shades. "That disguise… the glasses… I couldn't tell it was you!"

"LONG TIME NO SEE!" she screamed, stamping her feet and pointing her gun at him in a fit of rage.

The screen flickered then finally shut off which caused a groan from Wesker because he classed that as soft-core porn and it was the only action he got recently. Chris turned to Kenichi and snapped is fingers in bitchy way, then placed a hand on his hip and pouted. Kenichi pimp slapped him.

"If I see any more arguments between you two off stage, I'll put you over my knee, okay?" he said, wagging his finger at Chris who was cradling a stinging cheek and flipping a giggling Wesker off behind his back.

"Yes," Chris replied, flatly and pushing the first aid spray Sheva was shoving in his face.

"Good. Now, what have learnt today?"

Chris sighed. Not this again….

"I learned that my fists don't solve everything, unless it involves opening pickle jars."

"I learned I should leave the men to their little fights and stop going through health sprays like water," said Sheva.

"I learned I'm still the baddiast badass in all of badass land," said Wesker smugly. No one could argue with that. And if you do, Kenichi will put you over his knee.


	4. Wesker the fatty bum bum

_**Here is the next instalment! Thank you to my lovely reviewers, palomino333, Red-Hell, Arbiterai Knight **__and__** Hina-86.**_

_This chapter will contain spoilers, so if you don' t want to know them, read it after you've played the game :PI bought the game last week, completed it twice and unlocked everyone on the mercenaries! I seriously need a life!_

_Anyway, enjoy!_

_Resident Evil © Capcom. _

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Kenichi stood before Wesker's dressing room door and raised his hand to knock on the door, then back tracked slightly and pulled the visor over his head for protection. The director paused for a moment, on hearing a strange rustling and grunting noise. Shuddering, he gingerly pushed the door open to tackle tissue mountain and stepped inside to find Wesker rifling through his wardrobe, confused.

"I don't know what to wear," he said to Kenichi. "Should I wear the black shirt and black pants? Or black pants and black top? Or Black top and black pants? Or the black jeans? How about the black trench coat, would it look nice on me? Or, should I branch out a bit and wear the black coat with grey stitching? Or is that too daring?" He turned to the director. "What do you think?"

"Anything will be fine," he replied obediently, shuffling his feet. "We need to film Excella's mutation scene, and you're doing that voice over, so hurry up."

Wesker's head shot up, like a dog that had just heard, "Walkies!" and turned to face with a cheesy grin on his face.

"The fun microphone bit? I'll be right there!"

He stuffed an extra pair of glasses into his pocket and bolted out the door then jumped into the microphone stand.

"Testing, testing, one two three!" Wesker said into the microphone, cackling. "There's a spillage on aisle 4!"

"Very funny," said Kenichi taking a seat and sighing; you'd think after 79 times, he'd get bored of it, wouldn't you?

"This is your captain speaking, you're on a one way trip to hell, please remain in your seats and we'll arrive their shortly. In case of emergency, jump out the window and kill yourself. Thank you, good bye!" Wesker was now saying, his deep voiced echoed round the room twice as loud. Kenichi pressed a button next to his chair that was connected to the microphone stand, giving Wesker and electric shock.

_Buzzzzz_

A loud, "ouch!" was heard, so Kenichi pressed it again for sexual gratification.

"Get on with this scene, or I'll press it again!" he said, holding a threatening hand over the switch. "Three… two.. One… action!"

Chris and Sheva entered the clearing, guns at the ready and scanning the pile of dead bodies before them.

"ACHOO!" said one dead body. Kenichi smacked his forehead.

"Oi, Dave. You're supposed to be dead!" he shouted.

"Sorry," said Dave, playing dead again.

"Take two!"

Excella staggered on stage, keeling over in pain and moaning like the whinging bitch she is.

"Why," she groaned. "After all I've done. All for you."

"Excelery!" said Chris, pointing his gun at her.

"EXCELLA!" screamed Kenichi, shaking his fist. "For the last time, Excella! It's not Exeunt, Duracell, Durex, Excellent, Trisha, Mavis, Lexus, Lexy, Axis or Mary-Sue! Take three!"

"Excella!" yelled Chris, pointing his gun in her direction. "What's going on!?"

"Chris! How nice of you to join us!" echoed the voice of Wesker As Excelery, er, I mean Excella fell to the floor in a writhing pile of bitch.

"Wesker!"

"Don't worry, your shift is almost finished. But there's still a spillage on aisle four."

He giggled which was soon turned into a yelp of pain caused by Kenichi's button.

"Take four," Kenichi twitched, gripping the chairs arm and envisioning it to be Wesker's throat. After roughly twenty seven tries and four crows feet later on Kenichi's face, the scene was finished.

"O…kay…" said Kenichi slowly, a nervous break down was imminent if he stressed out further. "We… need to… film the Matrix rip of fight scene then we're done for the day…"

"Rightio!" said Wesker, jumping on his stair lift because he was far to cool to walk.

"And this is why he's got fat," Chris complained to Sheva as they travelled upstairs huffing and puffing whilst Kenichi tried directing the scene. Wesker waddled over to a balcony overlooking the experimental facility as Chris and Sheva reproached.

"Don't you two ever tire in failing your mission?" he sneered, looking up, but not at them.

"No we don't! We love failing! Every epic fail can count as a win!" yelled Chris. Wesker smirked and reached for his shades, pulling them off with one swift move and throwing them dramatically at Chris in slooooooow motion.

TWACK.

Chris forgot to press X and the shades smacked him in the face, knocking him unconscious. Wesker paused and raised a hand, "Er… was that supposed to happen?"

Sheva looked down, kicked him in the side and shrugged, "At least it wasn't me this time. Who knew shades the pound shop could do that much damage?"

"I'll have you know I bought these from douche and gobana!" he fumed, pulling out another pair and throwing them like a ninja star which Sheva dodged with her awesome quick time events skills.

"Aren't you gonna cure your partner?" Wesker asked, flicking a speck of dust off his trench coat indignantly.

"I'm not made of first aid sprays!" she said, throwing her arms. "Do you know how much they cost?! We're in a recession you know! What about the people in Africa, huh?"

"We're in Africa now!"

"…"

Before the argument could commence any further, Kenichi entered holding two S.T.A.R.S outfits on coat hangers.

"What the chuff are those?" he asked nodding to them.

"Your optional outfits," he answered, handing Wesker's his and noting Chris on the floor. "Why is he…? Never mind, the peace is nice."

"My S.T.A.R.S outfit from ten years ago? Surely it won't fit!"

"Why, because you're a fatty bum bum?" the director teased, with a grin.

"No! Because I-"

"WESKER'S A FATTY BUM BUM!"

"No I'm not! It's muscle!"

"WESKER'S A FATTY BUM BUM!" Sheva joined in on the teasing, kneeling over with laughter. "Who ate all the pies? Hey, do you grease the sides of the bath to get in?"

"SHUT THE F UP!" he sulked, turning away from them and waddling off. Nobody understood Wesker quite like a box of KFC chicken.


	5. The right to be a cliche main villain

_Thank you so much to my lovely reviewers, __**weskers assistant, palomino333**__,__**lil-creator,**__**RedHell **__and __**hannibals**_

_I also have a little gift for those who read or review this story; if you would kindly visit my profile, there is a link at the bottom of my page to a picture on photobuket._

_The positive feed back is great, makes me feel very loved! :D _

_

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_Rifling through his clip board, Kenichi glanced up and did a quick head count. He scanned the room, noting Sheva, Wesker and Chris who was waving cheerily, then looked around the room again for good measure and realised Chris was still waving like a child when their eyes met a second time.

"Where's the old git?" asked Kenichi, raising an eyebrow.

"Spencer?"

"That's the one."

"He was out on the lash last night, he might be a little late," explained Wesker, removing his shades and cleaning them, then replacing them. Right on cue, an old man, who went by the name of Ozwell Egg Spencer staggered into the studio wearing a sombrero and big shades.

"What a night," he said, running a hand round the rim of his hat. "I got well pissed. Pulled this hot bird though. My head aint half bloody hurting. Oi, Wesky, get me a resolve!"

"Do I look like your bitch?"

"You want me to answer that?"

"Spencer, get in you wheelchair, we're filming your scene."

The elderly man chucked his hat and shades in a corner and collapsed into the nearby wheelchair which Wesker had been previously using to race down the corridoors in and rubbed his head.

"I need a wheelchair after last night, I kid ya not!"

Kenichi pushed a finger to his lips and signalled Wesker to get in position and the cameraman to begin filming. The frail old man seemed to be struggling for breath as he spoke to Wesker.

"…And now, my candle burns dimly…"

"Does that mean you can't get it up anymore?" asked Wesker, glancing over his shoulder. "Ewww…"

"Wesker," said Spencer, looking up at the blonde trench coat train flasher man with watery blue eyes. "I have something to tell you…"

"Go on," muttered Wesker.

"I'm… I'M YOUR FATHER!"

"Gasp!" said Wesker, clapping a hand to his mouth. "What a strange and totally FUCKING STUPID turn of events!"

Wesker then began sobbing loudly into his hands as Spencer soothed him.

"There there. I'm here now."

"Daddy?!" Wesker cried.

"Son?" Spencer croaked.

"Where have you been for the past 19 games?" his speech barely distinguishable through the heaving sobs that wracked his body.

"I wanted to turn up, I really did," he wheezed like a typical old man. "But Capcom wouldn't allow it. They kept me chained up in an old peoples hm. I had to eat porridge everyday; can you imagine my pain, son? Can you?" He shakily rose to his feet and shuffled towards Wesker breathlessly.

He placed his hand on his broad shoulders and looked into his face.

"I was to become a cliché main villain!" he wheezed, keeling over slightly. Wesker's crying stopped immediately and a snicker was let loose.

"The right to be a cliché main villain… That right is now mine!"

Wesker drew his hand back, then thrusted it forwards thus impaling Spencer, whilst gleefully shouting, "owned!"

He threw Spencer's lifeless body to the floor; he rolled onto his back and a bit of tomato sauce from his tea dribbled out his mouth.

"A cliché main villain? You? You Don't even have cool shades."

With a smirk and a flick of his cloak, he turned away from the dead dude and strode towards the window.

"…And cut," said Kenichi, throwing the script in the air with a resounding, "fuck it!" If no one was gonna follow the script, he didn't care anymore. _So what if it sounds like an 11 year old retard wrote the script? Would it be so different from the other games?_

He glanced over at Chris and Wesker and smiled when he realised they were rehearsing their lines over lunch.

"What do you plan on doing by unleashing Uroboros?" Chris asked, pointing the banana that his mum packed him for lunch at Wesker, pretending it was a gun.

Wesker smirked. "Does it matter? Does anyone in this damn franchise have a motive behind their actions? What about Saddler in the last game?"

Chris thought back to the video of the last game he saw, placing a hand on his chin…

"_LEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!" wailed the jug eared gimp that was Ashley as Saddler approached "I THINKZ0RZ THEY PUTS SOME STUFF IN ME LEEEEEEEEEEONNNNNNNNNN!!!"_

_She held her neck and whimpered like a dog._

"_You bar stools!" said Leon "I wanted to kill her off!"_

"_We've injected her with las plagas," said Saddler slowly. "So when she goes back to daddy, she'll infect the rest of the government! Soon, the whole government will be mindless, stupid slow morons! …So you probably won't notice much difference…"_

"_NOOO LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOONNNN!" said Ashley for the eighty ninth time, making Leon's twitch worse._

"_But you've been trying to kill her! Fuck it; take her. I'll tell her dad the zombies got there and I couldn't do anything. Thick git paid me beforehand, didn't he?"_

Back in the present day, Chris glanced at Wesker who's head was in a bucket of KFC chicken again and sighed. Sometimes, he wished the blonde would just fall into a pool of lava; but to be honest… who's that stupid?


	6. Burd laydee z0mg

_**If the information on the Mercenaries is to be believed, Chris weighs 8 pounds more than Wesker! In my story he must wait about 50 stone lol. Anyway, thanks for the reviews from Driven-To-Insanity**__, __**Tiger Snaps**__, __**Arbiterai Knight**__, __**Hina-86**__, __**palomino333**__, __**lil-creator**__, __**The Famous Fire Lady M **__and __**RedHell **__:D _

A blood curdling, high pitched, girlish scream rang through the studio as Chris bolted from Wesker's changing room in floods of tears.

"What's wrong?" sighed Kenichi as the ridiculously muscular fairy launched himself onto Kenichi and clung onto his neck. Most likely, Chris saw a spider in the bath and was going to ask Sheva to get rid of it.

"I just saw… Wesker naked!!!" cried Chris, blowing his nose on Kenichi's sleeve. The director prised him off with disgust and wiped Chris's snot away.

"No need to cry about it, he must be ashamed as it is."

"It's not that…" said Chris, his eyes growing to the size of dinner plates. Big blue dinner plates filled to the brim with tears. "H-he had a… hole in his chest and I put my hand through it and it was all cold and he shouted at me and told me never to put my fist into his hole again." Chris's bottom lip quivered, a fresh wave of tears falling from his eyes. "It was all scary, I want my mum."

"You've killed hoards of zombies, seen hundreds murdered and you're scared of Wesker's little wound?" Kenichi rolled his eyes and placed a hand on Chris's shoulder. "He got it from that tyrant remember? In the first game? Go impaled? Or wangpal'd? …Anyway, back then stitches didn't exist and we forgot to heal him…"

Chris looked confused, but merely sucked his thumb and nodded. Speak of the devil and he shall come; Wesker emerged from his dressing room, tugging at his shirt with a disgruntled face and…

Back your shit up, Wesker wants to be God, so he can't be the devil, but he's a villain, so he must be the devil, but if wants to be God, he wants to help, but he wants to kill so he must be a Devil-God.

The newly-announced Devil-God strode over to Chris and Kenichi but his face dropped when he noticed which scene Kenichi was pointing to.

"That one again?" he groaned, ready to throw a tantrum. "We already did it."

"Yes, but you fucked it up. Now, places people!"

Everyone needed assembled onstage, the prop man threw Excella her briefcase which hit her on the head so she was okay because there was nothing to hurt.

"3...2...1...Action!"

Wesker giggled as Excella plunged a needle into his arm, then noticed the needle was Viagra, but decided to go along with it anyway.

"I'm surprised Las Vegas was such a success. When yo first arrived, I had my doubts."

"Your position-" Chris snickered at the rudie word- "at Tricell is secured."

"Oh, I have my eyes set on something much bugger…"

"Wesker's cock…" muttered Chris to Sheva who giggled. Kenichi smacked them both on the back of the head with a rolled up newspaper. And told them to sit in the naughty corner until the scene was finished.

--

"Chris, Sheva. It's the unmasking scene. Come hither."

"What are we unmasking?" asked Chris curiously as they headed towards the stage. "A cake?"

"No," replied Sheva.

"Presents?"

"No."

"Tape?"

"?? No."

"Face masks?"

"No."

"Batman?"

"No."

"Scooby Doo Villains?"

"No!"

"Your mo-"

"CHRIS! Get into position!" ordered Kenichi, pointing to opposite Wesker and a figure in a cloak with a metal 'bird-face' mask, gleaming red eyes shone brightly. Wesker cleared his throat, ready to start.

"I thought you'd be happier to see us…" said Wesker, circling the cloaked figure.

"Us?" asked Chris. "Batman?"

"No,"

"Mum?"

"No."

"Claire!?"

"No."

"Rebecca?"

"No."

"Ada? Even though I don't know who she is?"

"No."

"Richard?"

"He died."

"Oh, yeah. Alfred? Please, please say no…"

"Yes. It's Alfred. I love working with Alfred. No, idiot!"

"A Cerberus on it's hind legs?"

"No."

"You saw sense and covered Excella's stupid face?"

"No!"

"Is it… Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill J-J-Jill Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllll?"

Wesker arched an eyebrow at Chris's random spaz attack.

"I'm being a broken record like Excelery said," he shrugged. "So, is it Jill?"

"Well if you gave me fucking chance to reveal her, maybe you'll see!!"

He roughly pulled back the hood of the cloak and a pale faced blond was revealed. Chris opened his mouth and tilted his head to one side, as Sheva said, "Durn durn DUURRRRNNN!!"

"Nina Williams from Tekken?" Chris gasped.

"The one and only… Hey, no! It's Jill, idiot!"

"That's not Jill! It's Nina! Nina Nina Nina!"

Jill angrily ripped her cloak off revealing a skin tight blue battle suit.

"Oh my God! It's… Nina Williams!"

Jill/Nina (Jilnina?) Hissed and pounced at Chris, kicking him squarely in the chest.

"I'll show you Nina!"

"Wow, it really is you, Jill," said Chris, looking up at his partner who was pinning him to the floor. "I'd recognise this rugby tackle anywhere."

Wesker legged it upstairs, Sheva and Chris quickly followed him, pushing Jill to the floor and leaving her there. Wesker's phone rang.

"Yes," he answered it. "Hello mum. Yes I'm coming home for tea. Spaghetti hoops? On toast? Mmm. No, I haven't been fighting! Why would you think such things? I'm a good boy you know that. Yes, I'm your lil Albie. Yes mum. Okay, love you too."

He hung up as Chris and Sheva charged up to him pointing their handguns at his face because apparently handguns are stronger in cut scenes?

He pressed the "attack" button on his Jill remote and she charged out of no where, kicking Chris to the floor and giving him a Chinese burn.

"Jill, it's me! Chris! Jill Valentine!"

She paused for a moment, reeling back. What had she become? Giving men Chinese burns? The controlling devise hidden under her clothes twitched and she spazzed out, rolling on the floor.

"Remarkable. Resisting at such an early stage. I have a hot date, I must go."

"What? Dinner with your mum?"

"Shut up! Have fun watching Jill suffer!"

With that, he left. Jill raised her head and screamed to the God's about… cheese? She tore at her battle suit and Chris thought she was going to flash him, but she merely seemed to be attempting the rip open her suit.

"No Jill, you're not the hulk! I've told you this before!"

She screamed again and managed to tear her suit, revealing a shiny thing stuck to her chest.

"If we can remove that thing off her chest we can se- maybe she'll be back to normal!" said Sheva cleverly.

After several 'Press X to restrain' and 'press O to tear off' Sheva managed to pull it from her conveniently placed boobs.

"Selling this on eBay when we get back," she said, pocketing it.

Chris caught the blond in his arms as she slowly came round, glancing up at her friend.

"Chris!" she said breathlessly. "Did you just touch my boobs? You pervert!"

"That was me!" said Sheva. She glanced at her.

"You're Sheva, right? You lesbian!" She stood up, placing hand on her back and groaning. "I fancy a happy meal, you two coming?"

"Yes, as long as I get a strawberry milkshake," Chris said, joining her and beckoning Sheva. Jill rolled her eyes and grinned.

"Wesker's right. You haven't changed. Minus the steroids. And the hair. And Stubble."

"I have changed!" said Chris stupidly. "I change my clothes everyday!"

Jill patted her friend on the shoulder sympathetically and they continued forwards towards McDonalds.

I'm lovin' it!


	7. Papa Chris tells us a story

_Thanks to __**lil-creator**__, -__**Fusion Juirrue**__-, __**Tiger Snaps**__, __**Electric eclectic **__and __**Arbiterai Knight **__for the sexy reviews 8D_

* * *

Tight fabric similar to leather stretched over 'muscular' skin, a blonde head bopped up and down in an attempt to squeeze into his S.T.A.R.S uniform, frantic huffing and puffing escaped from his mouth. Almost… almost… he was hopping about on one leg, breathing in the best he could, pain like he had never experienced crippled his body. With a tug, one leg was in; now for the other-

CRASH

"Ha, you fell over!" jeered Chris, pointing to the face down Wesker. He raised an arm and made a rudie hand gesture. Sheva entered he dressing room with her eyes covered, blindly walking into tables and mirrors.

"Can I look yet?" she asked, trying to sense if Wesker was naked through smell.

"It's okay, he's too fat to get into his S.T.A.R.S uniform anyway," chuckled Chris. Sheva lowered her hand, her gaze sweeping from the figure on the floor to Chris. She burst out laughing and pointed.

"What?" he frowned, looking for Sheva's source of amusement.

"Bit small isn't it?" she asked, indicating to his uniform. Oh, sure the shirt stopped just below his chest, leaving his mid-riff exposed. Sure, it was far too tight round the shoulders, causing it to split and his arms lay uncomfortably by his side. Sure, it was so tight round his genitals he spoke like Alfred Ashford and with every minute he wore them, his chance of having children decreased dramatically. Sure, his pants were more like shorts, stopping at his knee caps and showing his hairy legs, but at least he managed to squeeze into the clothes, unlike that fatty on the floor. Wesker rose to his feet and glared down at his uniform.

"Okay, uniform," he told it. "You don't like me, and I don't like you. But we're gonna work together and I will wear you. Now PUUUUUUUUUUUULLLL!"

He bent over, mustering all his strength and hauled his pants up.

RRRIIIIIIIPPPP.

O.O

"Wheww!" said Kenichi as he entered the dressing room to find Wesker bent over with split pants. "Nice boxers Wesker, pink and green go well together. Anyway, I don't bother with scripts anymore, but the next scene is the ship deck, so get ready."

"With Excella?"

"She's dead foo'!"

"Oh. I thought it was quiet…"

He shook his head and glanced back at Wesker who was examining his split in the mirror, plucking at his pink and green polka dot boxers, whimpering, "My pants… my beautiful pants…"

"Put your midnight suit back on," Kenichi said, leaning against the doorframe and nodding to the wardrobe.

"Do you know how long it takes me to get into that suit?!" He asked with a glare, red orbs narrowing. "Have you seen how tight it is? I know how Olivia Newton-John felt like in Grease when she had to be sewed into that outfit. And we're both blonde! And prance round sing- er, never mind."

"Go to lost property then," shrugged Kenichi. "I don't have time for this. Sheva, Chris - come on!"

The pair obediently followed him to the studio where the ship deck had been assembled, stuck together by cellotape. Kenichi stood behind the pair and kicked them up the bums into the ship.

"Ouch and a half," said Chris, rubbing a hand over his backside. He staggered down the flight of stairs, Sheva at his heel.

"This tanker is so big," said Sheva. "It won't be easy finding Wesker."

"Don't worry… In Soviet Russia… Wesker find you!"

"Er…" said Sheva who would be face palming right now but Chris filled her hands with guns and first aid sprays so she couldn't. "You must have done something to really piss him off."

"It goes a bit beyond just pissing him off," Chris replied, glancing sideways at his partner as they reached another compartment of the ship. He rushed forwards as Sheva continued talking.

"Wanna tell me about it?"

Chris stopped in his tracks. THUD. Sheva walked into him.

"Well now you ask…" said Chris, slowly turning to face her with a grin on his face that usually haunted Sheva in her nightmares. He pushed her to the floor, pulled up a chair and took out a pipe.

"It all started," he said, taking a seat and puffing on his pipe. "ten years ago when Wesker wasn't wrinkly and fat but he was knocking on a bit because he was the same age as my dad. Anyway, one day our S.T.A.R.S team took a trip to a field for a field trip in a field because it was field-ish. Wesker took us to this mansion and told us not to take pictures of the zombies because they were camera shy. But I HAD to take a picture for my Facebook, so I did and Wesker saw and said 'I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT CHRISTOPHER!' and shot me in my knee caps which is one reason why he hated me. Another is that he creates a tyrant called Murphy Phillip James and showed me it, but it turned into a silver and pink flying octopus and flew us to Costa Del Sol."

"…And that's why Wesker hates you?" asked Sheva as Chris leant back and looked thoughtful for once in his life as he smoked his pipe. But it was censored because smoking is BAD so he was shown eating a stick of celery because celery is healthy.

"Yes, dear."

"Right. Riiiiight," said Sheva raising to her feet. "I'm going to go now… Are you coming, or d you want to stay here and be a good boy?"

Chris, who was blowing bubbles out his pipe by this point nodded and slowly rose to his feet. His pipe celery bubble machine stick turned back into his gun and off they set.

"I know a song that will get on your nerves. Get on your nerves. Nerves. Nerves. Techno remix! Unce unce unce unce! Get get get g-get on your nerves. Nerves. Get on your nerves!"

"Chris, shut up," hissed Sheva through gritted teeth. "Look! That man up ahead looks familiar."

A large man with a huge Gatling gun perched on his back, a cigar in his mouth and a beret perched at a jaunty angle appeared.

"By Jove your right!" said Chris, pulling out the napkin which the Kennedy report was written on in bright pink crayon. "That's JJ! Good job it's not MJ, huh? Or BJ? Hahahaha, Imagine how badly bullied you'd get with a name like- Sheva? Where's she gone now? I should perhaps consider keeping a tracking device on her, or maybe a dogs collar. It worked with Claire, she always got returned. Anyway, perhaps I should stop talking to myself and go find her."

Chris found his partner pathetically taking on JJ with a handgun and biting his arm. JJ made Chris angry, and you won't like Chris when he's angry. He marched right up to JJ, smacked the cigar from his mouth and replaced it with celery.

"Bad!" he said, wagging a finger. "Now hand me the Key card."

JJ sheepishly handed over what he asked for, all the while looking embarrassed and ashamed of his habit. The pair passed him, used the key cards and found themselves outside. Chris examined the open space then turned to his partner.

"Right… where did we park Jill?"

* * *

_Me + sugar = BAD XD_

_Wesker has no reason to hate Chris, so I thought, why not! Make it as outlandish as possible!_


	8. This chapter contains epic falcon punch

_Hmm, I just realised I haven't wrote this in order XD Oh well. I won't mention the fight with Wesker, Sheva and Chris again, just the second boss fight with Wesker._

_Thanks to __**Zombiegirl2007**__, __**lil-creator**__, __**palomino333**__ and __**DarkWolf3000 **__for the reviews :3_

* * *

"Look!" Chris said pointing to a screen which showed an assault bomb in the cockpit. "An assault bomb of love!"

"What?" said Sheva. "That's what Wesker's using to spread Uroboros, right?"

"No, he wants to spread the love!" replied Chris happily. "He'll drop teddies and sweets and cuddles for all. Look!" he pointed to a figure on screen. "There's Wesker! Lets go thank him!"

"Chris I don't think he wants to spread the love-" Sheva began, but Chris cut her off by grabbing her hand and dragging her forwards.

_Prod prod. Prod. Prod._

"CRUMPETS!" yelled Kenichi waking with a start. "What is it, Nemesis?"

"STARS," said Nemmy pointing to Chris and Sheva who were waiting to be directed by the director who was snoozing in his chair.

"Skip the next scene." waved Kenichi, his head dropping on his shoulder again.

"Why?" asked Chris. "We've already filmed it, but don't we have to do it again?"

"Pigs are flying, that's why the price of bacon is going up," shrugged Kenichi falling asleep again.

"You're the boss," said Chris saluting and taking his place ready for the second fight with Wesker. Wesker penitently rocked backwards and forwards singing, "It's not that easy being a badass with cool shades and hot moves" to the tune of, "it's not that easy being green."

"Maybe if we switch all the lights off, he'll bump into things!" Sheva said cleverly.

"Alright, lets get the lights."

They raced off to pull the switches, plunging everything into darkness. Wesker looked around stupidly, shouting lines to them which made no sense such as "my banana is bent!" and "give me back my plug socket!" because the dark made him crazy.

"Why doesn't he take his glasses off?" whispered Sheva as they hid behind a corner.

"He only takes them off when he wants to be badass," replied Chris. "He keeps them on when he's sleeping too. And in the shower."

"Oh." said Sheva as Wesker walked into a wall and bounced off, knocking himself out. "He's clumsy in the dark isn't he? He keeps walking into things."

"Like McDonalds," nodded Chris and they both giggled.

"I heard that!" shouted Wesker. "The dark doesn't stop me hearing you know!"

Sheva found an RPG round just laying there on the floor, you know, like you do, and passed it to Chris. He shouldered the rocket launcher and aimed at Wesker. Unfortunately, he and Chuck Norris are the same person, so he caught the rocket launcher and struggled with it for a few moments. Chris threw a paper airplane at him and it exploded, but failed to kill him for some reason. Hmm.

"Hold still Wesker!" shouted Chris barging up to him with a needle.

"Yes mum," said Wesker, dazed as Chris plunged the needle into his shoulder. He giggled and staggered backwards, pulling the needle out and throwing it away.

"I'm so angry, I'm going to take my glasses off!" seethed Wesker, pulling his shades down and glaring at Chris as the world began to spin like he was as drunk as a rat. "I'm telling my mum now!"

Wesker ran away in tears and humped on the plane; Chris rushed forwards and tripped over his own feet.

"He's getting away!" said the face-down Chris who couldn't push himself up because his muscles were so big. "He's jumping like Mario too! Quick get him before he eats the mushrooms!"

Together they ran, but because Sheva is the stupidly stereotypical weaker woman, she couldn't catch up with Chris.

"Go on without me!" she gasped, pulling out an inhaler and taking a breath, clutching a stitch in her side.

"Sheva! Come on!" yelled Chris. "Here! Hold onto my penis if you want to live!" he threw his penis to her and she gingerly took it in both hands and was dragged onto the plane with him moments before it took off. Minutes later, they noticed Wesker in a heap on the floor sucking his thumb.

"It seems I may have underestimated you, Chris," he hissed, punching the wall because he was so sexually frustrated. Standing up, he delved into a speech. "Soon, we reach the big word meaning the most, then I deploy my missile bomb of love! The whole world will love each other! And they'll love me! Their new leader! We'll sing 'He's got the whole world in his hands' and dance round a fire! Wouldn't you like that, Chris? Complete global fap-tuation?"

Before Chris had managed to reply, Wesker yelled, "FAAAAALCON... PUUUUNCH!" and dashed forwards ready to impale Chris with his peni… hands.

"What the hell, man!" yelled Chris as he teddy bear rolled out the way. "Fuck you playing at? You wanna spread the love, don't you?"

"Yes, but I'm not really into gay stuff," he said as Sheva shrieked and hid behind a metal pillar. After many stupid quick time events that liked to change every time, Chris managed to slam Wesker's hand into the wall as the plane began to open.

Wesker began squealing because the wind resistance was messing up his hair as the plane plummeted towards a volcano because there are loads of volcanoes in Africa according to my clever friend.

"No!" yelled Wesker as he hit the wall and bounced off. He grabbed Sheva's leg as she gripped onto a metal bar to stop herself falling and used this excuse to look up her skirt like an old perv. "I'm taking the two of you with me! I want your hair to get messy too!"

"Like hell it will!" shouted Sheva pulling a gun from a questionable place. "I use V05 hair gel!"

She fired a bullet into his face, causing him to scream like a girl who had seen spider and release his grip on Sheva's leg.

CRASH. OR WHATEVER NOISE A PLANE WOULD MAKE CRASHING INTO A VOLCANO.

Moments later, the pair emerged from the flaming wreckage that was formally the plane.

Clunk clunk clunk.

Wesker staggered on screen in a needlessly loud fashion. Chris's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates at the sight of Wesker's toplessness.

"My pants are getting tighter," he grunted, keeling over slightly. Wesker felt violated and abused as he wasn't used to this fan service, so he angrily punched the Uroboros container in anger and allowed the virus to spread up his arms in the form of tentacles.

"Prepare… to get tentacle raped, Chris!" he hissed. Chris squealed and jumped into Sheva's arms, a bit like Scooby Doo. She groaned, threw him to the floor, pulled out a handgun and began pathetically picking away at the fan service, tentacle ridden Wesker.

"Fall back!" cried Chris, running away. Sheva stumbled and looked around confused, then followed.

"You'll never take me alive!" Chris yelled, darting across a bridge made of rock which crumbled because his huge muscles weighed it down. "Zomigawd! Sheva! Shoot him, I'll meet you at the other side!"

Sheva sighed and aimed her rifle, shooting his shoulder. Stupid AI can't aim for shit.

Chris's path was obstructed by a boulder, if he was going to pass to the other side, he needed to do something about it. He scratched his head for a minute, feeling Wesker creep closer, his big tentacles ready to kill. He played ip-dip-do and rolled some dice, then played a game of dominoes in an attempt to help him decide.

"That's it!" he said, pointing to the air. "FAAAAALLLCCOOON… PUUUUNNNCCCHHH!"

He repeatedly smashed his fist into the rock, rolling it backwards and into the lava to use as a stepping stone. Sheva was at the other side, beckoning him forwards. They ran to Wesker who was at a high point, waving his tentacles and his deformed arm around. A bit like Krauser, which made every Wesker fan die a bit inside and cry. -reaches for a tissue-

"Look!" said Sheva, pointing her handgun at a glowing orangey red orb protruding from Wesker's chest. "That… thing has a heart!"

"Wesker has a heart!?" gasped Chris. "Zomigawd!"

They pathetically began picking away at it with their handguns as Wesker laughed in a Saturday morning TV villain way.

"Why the FUCK don't we use our rocket launchers?" asked Chris.

"Good FUCKING point!" said Sheva, pulling hers out and aiming. "Why the FUCK are we swearing?"

"Cos this game is an 18, we can, bitch!"

There was an explosion as the pair fired their rockets at Wesker, causing him to stagger back into the lava. A chopper could be heard up ahead. They glanced upwards to see Jill leaning over.

"Grab on!" she said, throwing them a ladder. Chris let Sheva go first so he could look at her arse. I mean, because he was a gentleman, then followed.

Wesker emerged from the lava and noticed Chris and Sheva climb their way into the chopper with Capcom's logo on the side.

"CAPCOM!!!" he roared angrily. "WHY DID YOU KILL ME OFF!?!? UNGG!" he wrapped his tentacles round the chopper and tugged, pulling it to the floor.

The helicopter crashed and all but Wesker died. The end.

* * *

Okay, that didn't happen. The trio were thrown about inside the chopper, Jill pointed to the two rocket launchers on the wall.

"Use those!" she said. They took them off the wall and aimed.

"Suck on this Wesker," said Chris, unzipping his fly.

"No! that's for the late night version!" said Sheva. He zipped himself back up and together they fired the RPG rounds at him.

…killing him. And earthquake was caused as Wesker fan girls across the world threw their controls angrily into the wall.

"That was for our fallen brothers," said Sheva. They rook their seats and sighed with relief. Their journey was over.

_More an more I find myself wondering if it's all worth fighting for. A Resident Evil future without Wesker. They can't whore him out anymore at least_. He smiled as he looked out the window at the bright sun, reflecting in the clear blue, calm sea. _Yeah. It's worth it._

* * *

The stories over! :o

BUT I have two more chapters in mind. Last chapter will be explained in the next one, I would love it if you all took part (:


	9. Outtakes and ask the cast

_Snippets of outtakes you didn't get to see! _

* * *

Chris and Sheva slowly advanced to the room where they had heard the source of noise, their hearts in their throats, guns at the ready. Two men were forcing a disgusting looking writing ball into another mans mouth.

"You WILL eat your mums spaghetti!" one shouted, as the man underneath him gagged.

"Freeze!" said Chris, startling the men who turned to face him but didn't respond. "I said freeze!"

"Michael, I think he's right," one said to the other. "We should freeze this and warm it up for our tea later on."

"I agree." They picked up the bag of spaghetti and trotted off home, leaving their brother on the floor to receive a bad reaction to his mum's cooking. So, the next time you think your mum's cooking is awful, be thankful you're not this guy.

* * *

"You don't know what you're talking about!" yelled the butcher and he was forced onto the execution block. "You can all go to hell!"

"We've told you before!" shouted a man with a megaphone and shades, who wasn't Wesker because he was black. "The PlayStation version of the game is better than the 360! Now you must die for thinking otherwise, Microsoft fan boy!"

The axe was brought down, and with a sickening thud, the butcher was… butchered. Sweet irony.

* * *

Smoke cleared from the result of Kirk's rocket launcher to clear up the mass of Majini.

"Kirk, we owe you one."

"You can thank me later…In bed."

"Kirk! Heva-say is ere-hay! Ot-nay ow-nay!"

"Hehehehe," said Kirk with a wink that Chris couldn't see but knew was there. Sheva glanced at Chris with a confused face, wondering if she had stepped into the slash fics by mistake.

* * *

The rattling sound of a rusty chainsaw was heard, then a man appeared ready to bop their heads off.

"A ruddy chainsaw!" gasped Sheva. "Like things weren't stupid enough already!"

"It's sackboy with a chainsaw!" said Chris clapping like a seal. "He wants a cuddle! Come here sackboy!"

The Chainsaw mans… eye glinted as he headed towards Chris with his weapon raised above his head.

"Chris, I don't think that's sackboy…" said Sheva, attempting to pull him back, but he fought her off and outstretched his arms.

"I SHALL BE KEELING YOU NOW!" he yelled, revving his weapon and brining it down onto Chris's shoulder but not actually removing his head for some reason.

"No!" screamed Chris "I thought you wanted a cuddle!"

"This is how we cuddle in Africa."

"Oh," said Chris, dying. Sheva face palmed.

"What have I told you about hugging strangers?"

* * *

"You's two are just in time for tha fiyaworks show! BOOM! Aaahahahahahaa!"

"Fireworks?" asked Sheva. "I like fireworks. What kind? I like the big rainbow ones that explode. And those wheels. And…"

She stopped talking and noticed Richardo bending down to light a rocket. It exploded into the air and made a bang.

"That's it…? That was rubbish!"

"What can I say, it's all I can afford!" he shrugged, waving them off as the ship set sail.

"I hate that guy…" muttered Chris.

"So do half the population," said Sheva. "But at least we don't sound like Meowth!"

* * *

"Tha praprayshuns ah olmast campete," said Excella to Wesker who scratched his head in confusion. "Than weh cahn leave."

"What did you say?" asked Wesker.

"the prepation re mostal complete thern weweh khan laeve," she repeated. Wesker leaned forward and pointed to his ear.

"Never mind. I seay your ol fren Kerisss Reckdfilfiel come pay yaouh vizit."

"In English please?" asked the blonde, more confused with every passing minute.

"Doa sancez concerrrrrrrrrrrrrrn?" she asked in a patronising voice.

Wesker falcon punched her to the stomach and threw her out the window. Today_ was _garbage day after all.

* * *

"Phew… we owe you guys one," said Chris as he and Sheva headed towards Josh.

"Captain Josh Stone," he saluted.

"Chris Redfield," Chris nodded. "Josh Stone?! Like Joss Stone? Aahahahahaha. Super duper love."

"Thanks Josh," said Sheva, ignoring Chris's retardation.

"You know each other?"

"I trained under Josh."

"I BET you trained under him!" winked Chris.

"Sheva became a little sister of the group," he told Chris, who's eyes grew.

"EWWW! Incest crack pairing DO NOT WANT."

"Does he always act like this?" Josh whispered to Sheva who nodded.

"Yes, save yourself. I have to put up with him for a couple of hours."

* * *

"I got us a chopper! Headed your way now! Try to take out as many enemies as you can. If you defeat multiple enemies in a row, you get a nice bonus!"

Wesker nodded at Josh's orders which were coming from his headset and began searching for time in Public Assembly, killing anyone who got in his way. He saw the tiny figure that belonged to his partner grow larger as he ran towards him. Slicked back blonde hair, black shades with matching black outfit. Who was this sexy hunk of a human?

A woman appeared with a bottle, ready to strike. She paused. Looked from the two identical men and screamed. "Oh my GAWD! Two Wesker's! My dreams come true!" and fainted.

* * *

"Your plans are finished Wesker!" yelled Chris as he approached his enemy.

"There's no way out this time!" added Sheva, like Chris's little bitch boy.

"Don't you two ever tire of failing in your mission?" Wesker sneered, removing his glasses because they were itching his nose but he couldn't itch it because that would make him look uncool. "You've really become quite an inconvenience for me."

He slung the glasses at Chris and they slid onto his mug. His bearded face broke into a huge grin and he stuck one thumb up.

"Hey thanks!"

"Noooooo, they're mine!" seethed Wesker, throwing Chris over the balcony, then yelling, "Geranimoooooooo!" and jumping after them. Chris threw the glasses to Sheva and she screamed, "Oh my GAWD! I have Weskers glasses! My dreams come true!" and fainted.

* * *

The wind stung their faces as the soared through the water on the speed boat.

"What happened to your partner?" Sheva asked, turning to face Chris.

Chris looked stupid for a minute before responding.

"Jill and I were pursuing a man named Albert Wesker. Wee woo wee woo woooo woo la la la."

Sheva glanced at him with a questionable expression.

"Flashback music," he shrugged. "Albert Wesker. Jill had been stalking him for some time. We got a tip from the Internet where he might be, so we paid him a visit, hoping he'd sign Jill's tits. Now you sit right here while I have a flashback and never actually finish telling my story."

_The pair barged through the door to find Wesker stood staring out the window waving to passing seagulls._

"_And you can be Freddie, and Gruffy, and Paul, and Dave-"_

_He heard a disruption and turned to face the two with a smirk._

"This is when we found out Wesker was secretly Neo from the Matrix."

_With a thud, Chris landed in a heap in front of the window, trying to push himself up as Wesker strode towards him._

"_Lets finish this," he said, puckering up and lifting Chris by the neck. Jill saw and her mouth fell ajar._

"_No!" she cried. "You're supposed to be kissing me!"_

_Wesker pulled back his fist; Jill sprang to her feet and ran towards him yelling, "FAN GIRL ATTACK!" and glomped him out the window._

"_Jill!" yelled Chris, reaching out for her. "You stole my man, bitch! Give him back!"_

_

* * *

_

Kenichi strode into the studio with a camera crew and a girl nobody knew at his heel. The cast all looked over in confusion, scratching their heads like monkeys.

"Interview with the cast," said Kenichi. It's airing next week, we're going to ask you all some questions. Well, Emilee here is."

Emilee waved like a retard behind him then squeaked and shrank down when she saw their pile of guns.

* * *

_Woot! This is your chance to ask the cast your questions in the show hosted by me! XD (I hope no one hates me because of the self insert, but I'm not going to end up in bed with Wesker, so it's not all bad haha.)_

_Anyway, write your questions for any cast member in a review and they'll be sure to answer them. _


	10. Ask the retarded cast

"You said you were going to air this show next week," sneered Wesker to Kenichi. "Been a pretty long week, hasn't it? More like nearly two years!"

"Yes," piped in Chris, sat cradling his half eaten gun. "We've been sat in this studio while that Emilee stares at us gormlessly for two years thinking of questions!"

"We're starving!" shrieked Sheva. "You haven't let us leave for food! It's a good thing Wesker has survived so well, his body has been eating its own fat! Us on the other hand…" She had grown a rather respectable beard in the two year period.

"I got me some questions!" spluttered Emilee who had finally found them after rifling through the paper work.

"…we hate you…" whispered Wesker, his eyes narrowing. "All the KFC I've missed out on. All the sequel games we could have been in…"

"Does Kenichi need to slap a bitch?" asked the director. "The more you moan, the longer it takes."

When everyone had finally settled down, Emilee took her place in a high chair opposite them, pulled out the papers and cleared her throat.

"Right, First question is to Chris… um… 'why are you such a… r-retarded hulk?'" her voice quivered on the last word. It was okay for the people who had sent the questions in, THEY didn't have to face the retarded hulk in question who was trying to shoot the floor with his half eaten gun, and failing miserably.

"Hulk! I'll show you hulk and retarded! Grrr!" He ripped open his shirt, to reveal pale, fleshy skin stretched over bone as a result of not eating for two years. He beat his chest and ended up cracking a rib. With a sob he fell to the floor. "I… guess the answer is… I wasn't dropped on my head as a baby, but they did use me as a basketball."

The only noise that could be heard was Chris's sobs and the sound of squeaky leather as he rocked back and forth.

"Ahem, the next question is for you Sheva… 'I pity you for putting up with him...then again, how come you don't learn to shoot properly? I mean well, your AI.' "

"Huh? Who said that?" asked Sheva, who was walking into the wall. "I'll find you eventually, just let me follow your voice." She maneuvered her way around the walls, knocking over ladders and lifting them back up, moving Chris's seat even though he was about to sit back down and using a whole health spray on Chris's tiny bruise which caused an outrage.

"I see. Well, next question…" Emilee swallowed nervously as she looked at the paper. "Is for Wesker. Why are you… Kenichi, you read it!"

She stuffed the papers in the directors' hand who read aloud the question without fear.

"Why are you such a douchebag? Something we'd all like to know, hmmm."

Wesker's jaw dropped open, his face turning as red as his eyes.

"Douchebag? I'll douchebag you, you douchebagging bagging, bag for life! The proper term is ASSHOLE. GET IT RIGHT."

"Then, why are you an asshole?"

Wesker handed Kenichi a stack of papers titled 'Obligatory and cliché reasons why villains are such arseholes, part one.'

"Part two to forty-four are in my locker," he said as the director started to thumb through the papers, looking for the perfect excuse.

"I like that one," Emilee pointed to reason number twelve. "They are so sexually frustrated and annoyed that they can't wear a ladies dress in public, they want revenge on the world."

"Meh… mummy issues, bullied as a kid, dead parents, dead wife and kids, fell into some acid. These are all good, but Wesker is a dangerous asshole, we need something a bit more…Ah here we go!" He passed the page to Wesker and told him to read aloud.

"I'm an ass because one day I was browsing my emails and someone had sent me a chain mail. It said if I didn't pass it on, my mum would die, my dad would die, my house would burn down, my dog would be sick in my shoes and I wouldn't be kissed by my crushed! Obviously I didn't pass it on and all of that happened. From that day forth I swore to avenge my mum, dad, house and my shoes and assumed everyone I met was responsible for the chain mail!"

His eyes grew large and teary as he sunk to the floor whimpering about how he missed those lovely shiny shoes.

"Right, well…" continued Emilee. "Now we have that cleared up, next question is again for Wesker… if he's up for it…" he had untied his shoes and was glaring at them, hissing, "You'll never live up to my old shoes. Never!"

"Anyway… Wesker, have you ever had fleas?" there was no response for a few minutes, so Sheva spoke up on his behalf.

"They tried getting on him once. But… have you SEEN how much hair gel he uses! They got their little leg stuck and decided to commit suicide. The flea kingdom knew not to attempt to even infiltrate his hair. Nothing can. Look-"

She pulled out a grenade launcher and some fire rounds. Aiming for Wesker's hair, the air became engulfed in flames for a few seconds. Everyone was expecting the blonde to be completely bald but his hair didn't even have a scratch or marking.

"It must have its own force field," said Sheva, pocketing the grenade launcher. Wesker seemed unfazed by the attempt of arson, so Emilee continued.

"Chris, this ones for you," Chris sat up like a puppy who had just heard 'walkies!' and started panting happily. "We all know you're gay for Wesker, why don't you just admit it?"

"Excuse me?" spluttered Chris. "Gay for We-? Errr, who is 'we'? I'd rather be gay for a lady, I uh, mean, I love boobies! They are fine! I don't like Wesker and his smoldering sexy body, his slicked back shiny hair, his large muscles, his voice that makes me melt…._mmm_…" there was a ping near Chris's crotch and he jumped up and threw his arms forwards. "Y U NO BELIEVE I DON'T LIKE ME SOME WESKER!" Struggling with his trousers, he rushed outside trying to not be noticed.

"Good grief," said Kenichi, massing his temples. "I asked them if I could work on the Mass Effect set, but Capcom begged and begged, even watched me shower until I said yes… Seriously. Anyway, let me ask the last question." He took the papers off Emile and turned to the blonde on the floor.

"So, Wesker, will you have my babies?"

Wesker looked disgusted. "YOUR babies! Eww! Why would perfection like me mate with something like you!"

"Not ME!" yelled Kenichi waving the paper. "Whoever asked this. Look, she left her phone number." He handed Wesker the paper. "The girl on there!"

Wesker glared at the paper for a while. "This isn't a girl! It's a piece of paper! And, if it wants my babies, where do I put my pork sword to impregnate it?" he started tearing a hole in the middle of the paper muttering aplhabetti spaghetti and how to heal paper cuts on your private parts.

"Oh, for crying out facepalm," said Sheva facing away from Wesker with his new papery girlfriend on the floor. "I just had to work with idiots. One of the only good examples of a woman in a video game and they stick me with a bunch of idiots… I could have been in Hollywood by now."

Emilee looked towards Kenichi with a grimace. "Sorry about… er, this. I didn't think it would go this bad…"

"Bad?" Kenichi raised an eyebrow. "Wesker is trying to get it on with a piece of bloody paper, Sheva thinks she's on stage in Hollywood and has started singing 'I dreamed a dream' …I don't even want to know what Chris is doing, but I'm questioning the stack of Yaoi I found in his locker and the rest of the cast has died from starvation! This is one of the best days I've had in a while! And the best part is, it's home time, fuckers!"

He grabbed his bag, beamed at Emilee and sauntered out the studio. Emilee looked at everyone else who had not even noticed it was time to leave and chased after Kenichi. She had another few questions to ask.

"So, I heard from Capcom they're planning a resident Evil 6 soon, and you're in charge!" She thought this news would please him, but instead his face paled and he looked out into the distance where he could see the executer having a cheeky fag, next to his massive axe. He dashed frantically down the corridorr picked up the executers axe and held it about his head ready to make himself into Kenichi sushi, a manic expression on his face.

"Resident Evil 6? THAT!"

* * *

_It's over! I'm so SO sorry it took me so long to update. I haven't been in the mood to write anymore but I want to finish off all my stories for anyone who might be still reading them._

_I feel awful for making everyone wait T.T Forgive me and I'll bake you some cookies. :D_

_I hope you enjoyed this chapter and reading the story as a whole. *sniff* we've come so far. I remember when you were all knee high to grasshoppers on our first day, now you're all fine young men and ladies! XD_

_Thank you so much to all my readers and reviewers. I'm glad there's someone out there who finds my retarded sense of humor funny. :P You probably won't be hearing anything else off me, but keep an eye out just incase. I'll still be reading and favoring stories, so I'm looking forwards to any future stories you may be planning! _


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